Tag Archives: anxiety

Time… What a relentless bitch.

A network of complications

I have the time. Now what?

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There comes a day. Chances are it will be the day I forget to remember what I remembered to forget… to put my pants on in the morning. Yes, you can tell I’ve given this much thought can you not?

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Time.

Jenny K Brennan Jan 10 2014

Calm – stop chasing that tail and just sit a while.

A network of complications

Calm. Mental hide and seek.

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Finding the tools for something like inner peace and simple calm can be tricky. It may feel difficult. Sometimes, all but impossible. But once in a while…

Transcript

Calm.

Nothing makes you calm quite like an hour or so of real hard work, like actual physical labour.
“You can chip away the ice and snow infront of the front door.”, He says and I say, “Okay.”.

And that’s what I did. It was building up and building up so; Icepick and shovel and just at it. and now I feel great.

Calm. I guess the story of the moral, the moral of the story is I should do more of that stuff. I should do stuff, which I know. Naturally I should cause I do like it. I like being busy, I like moving my body, working it and so I did.

Calm is what I got out of it.

However, there’s only so much gratitude to go around as far as ice and snow goes. Truly.
The fields may not be good for walking today but we’ll give it a try. Last night the dog made a nosedive; he was running like normal – drumdidrumdidrum – across the crust and all of a sudden: Stop! Both front legs down under the crust into the soft snow under and he’s like: “What the hell?” It was funny.

But anyways, today, eh, we’ll see. I’m hoping for another long walk today.

Speaking of calm.

I am finding it easier and easier to reach that calm state now and then and I can create it myself now. I have the tools to do it. I’m training my mind to behave; to look at things differently. One of those tools is
Hypnosisdownloads.com where Mark Tyrrell and roger Elliott… have… great stuff. Self hypnosis. It works. It’s very calming.

Yoga. Is great; speaking of that physical. Walking is excellent. Exercise diminishes anxiety. And that’s the circle that’s so hard to break sometimes.

You’re anxious and you don’t want to do anything and you sit on the couch or go to sleep or do nothing. But all that needs to be done is to get moving, doing something. Moving, walking, exercising. Just do it. And that’s a fucking hard thing to do; to just do it.

But I’m saying: It works. And I’m getting there. I’m breaking that circle. I still have my anxieties and the thing is that problems like that, they never go away. You don’t get rid of it. You learn to deal with it. You learn to live with it. And once in a while. It feels really good. You just have to remember that… that once in a while it feels really good and you have to remember that feeling for the times that you don’t. And remember that you can always get back there.

Calm.

Jenny K Brennan Dec 28 2013

Doubts – Any fucked up reason will do. It’s vicious.

A network of complications

Doubts. So what the hell is this shit for anyways?

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Damn if i really know.

Transcript

Doubts

They creep and they circle and they patrol.
they well up like a sour knot or a hundred insects biting, up through the stomach through the bodytenses everything up.
It circles.
Sometimes it’s so slow. And so sinister that you don’t even know.
And not knowing. How do you know what it’s about. You don’t.

I don’t.
You have to dive deep to find any rational reasons for that feeling.
That uneasiness, that anxiety but for the most part it’s not worth it.
It has to be stopped. You have to stop obsessing. Stop the thoughts in their tracks and just stop.
There are ways to do that. To relax. People have tricks. To get out of it. And I have mine.

But they’re always lurking. Always there.

But what is this for then?

Every time I talk for a few minutes I end up with a feeling of release. A liberating freedom of mind.
I feel relaxed, I feel better. Because what I say; It clears something up.
And that is why I do this.
This mini series of monologues about… what
Well, me I guess. I talk to myself, with myself, about how I feel.
Because I can’t talk to many other people about it.
So. It does help. Believe it or not; it does help.?
And that’s why I’m doing this.
And maybe, maybe someone will hear it and recognize themselves and feel better.

Jenny K Brennan Dec 22 2013

Friends – Dealing with people. Why is it so hard?

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A network of complications

Friends

– These words falter and fade into confusion as anxiety nags at and shreds all that I think I know. Third part, more talking, more thoughts recorded. .

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Friends, family, aquaintances. Just people.
How do you deal with it, them, with all of that.

When everything in your mind surrounds what I’ve talked about before; Imagination and control.
The more I think about it, the more I feel the problem.

Not always, but often enough.
To make me distant and hard to reach.
Unable to reach – myself.
It’s control. Over the imagination. Of what’s going on around me.
What do they think? What did they say? What should I say, what should I do?
What can I do, where can i go to understand what’s wrong.
It’s not them. But what’s what?
Anxiety. Is hard to deal with.
Anxiety is imagination gone wild. Gone astray. Gone sour.
I am working on it and it is working.
I can deal with little things.
But I can’t deal with these things.
These big things that

That hurt other people.

But I have no power over them.
I don’t know what they see when they see me and that I can’t deal with.
Because I have to open my eyes myself to see. I have to let go of the control.

The control that I somewhere think I have a right to.
But I don’t. Because it’s not all about me.

It’s not even remotely close to being all about me.
What I should say is:
Fuck the imagination, it’s not real.
I should say fuck the control cause it can’t be done.
I should.
I know.
I should.
And I will.
I will.

Jenny K Brennan – Dec 20 2013

Control – What the fuck…

A network of complications

Control – What the fuck just happened and why should it bother me so?

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This is part two of this series of monologues about what it’s like to live in one’s own mind. I just talk, think,, talk more, and it makes little sense. But it helps me figure out what’s what. If I’m lucky.

Transcript

Control.

what is control

or rather, the lack of control, the feeling of powerlessness.
Not having control
Lack of control ccan be anything from not being paid what you think you deserve at work.
not getting the grade that you thought that superb essay was worth at school.
Not being able to deal with your children, or other people around you that just won’t behave the way you’d want them to.
It can be anything.
Control over.

Maybe you’re sick.
Maybe someone else is sick.
A lot of sick.
Maybe something is just going to hell.

You lose power, you lose control.
But thats… that’s the time to let go.

To let it be what it is.
You can not have control over other people.
Not in a deep way.
Not in a fundamental way.
You can influence other people and events.\
But you can’t have control.
Because…

It is what it is.
It will be what it will be.
And you can’t live that way.
Because things will happen, things will move on, people will change, whether you are there or not.

It is what it is.

But remember: When one door opens, another door invariably opens.
So, be in the moment.
Realize that you cannot change the world.
You can only change you.

And that’s ok.

Jenny K Brennan – Dec 18 2013

Imagination – A curse, a blessing – This is where I’m at.

A network of complications

Imagination

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I rarely talk about this. I can’t seem to make it clear in my own head, never mind explaining it so it makes sense. However, I believe that a lot of people live it. Some are worse off than me. But it is what it is. And these are my thoughts right now. Selfcentered and confused as they may be; sometimes I just need to get it on tape, as it were.

Transcript

Imagination is a funny thing, isn’t it.

Quite amazing.
As far as creativity and the occasional release of thought and emotions.

If you think about it.
This galaxy is fucking big.
But you can hold it in your mind.
And yet

it is what it is.
Things are the way they are.
It is what it is.
Imagination can also be your worst enemy.
Fucking you up big time
Anxiety and fear.

It all comes from imagining the worst.
imagining what might be, what could have been, what should have been, what was, what wasn’t.
And it’s never quite correct.

It’s

perception.

It can heal, It can destroy.

and that’s my thought of the day.
I’m trying to train my imagination to make things better, so I can feel better, so I can get better.

And it is working.
It is working.

Jenny K Brennan – Dec 16 2013