07 – Doubts – Any fucked up reason will do. It’s vicious.

A network of complications

Doubts. So what the hell is this shit for anyways?

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Damn if i really know.

Transcript

Doubts

They creep and they circle and they patrol.
they well up like a sour knot or a hundred insects biting, up through the stomach through the bodytenses everything up.
It circles.
Sometimes it’s so slow. And so sinister that you don’t even know.
And not knowing. How do you know what it’s about. You don’t.

I don’t.
You have to dive deep to find any rational reasons for that feeling.
That uneasiness, that anxiety but for the most part it’s not worth it.
It has to be stopped. You have to stop obsessing. Stop the thoughts in their tracks and just stop.
There are ways to do that. To relax. People have tricks. To get out of it. And I have mine.

But they’re always lurking. Always there.

But what is this for then?

Every time I talk for a few minutes I end up with a feeling of release. A liberating freedom of mind.
I feel relaxed, I feel better. Because what I say; It clears something up.
And that is why I do this.
This mini series of monologues about… what
Well, me I guess. I talk to myself, with myself, about how I feel.
Because I can’t talk to many other people about it.
So. It does help. Believe it or not; it does help.?
And that’s why I’m doing this.
And maybe, maybe someone will hear it and recognize themselves and feel better.

Jenny K Brennan Dec 22 2013

06 – Friends – Dealing with people. Why is it so hard?

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A network of complications

Friends

– These words falter and fade into confusion as anxiety nags at and shreds all that I think I know. Third part, more talking, more thoughts recorded. .

Transcript

Friends, family, aquaintances. Just people.
How do you deal with it, them, with all of that.

When everything in your mind surrounds what I’ve talked about before; Imagination and control.
The more I think about it, the more I feel the problem.

Not always, but often enough.
To make me distant and hard to reach.
Unable to reach – myself.
It’s control. Over the imagination. Of what’s going on around me.
What do they think? What did they say? What should I say, what should I do?
What can I do, where can i go to understand what’s wrong.
It’s not them. But what’s what?
Anxiety. Is hard to deal with.
Anxiety is imagination gone wild. Gone astray. Gone sour.
I am working on it and it is working.
I can deal with little things.
But I can’t deal with these things.
These big things that

That hurt other people.

But I have no power over them.
I don’t know what they see when they see me and that I can’t deal with.
Because I have to open my eyes myself to see. I have to let go of the control.

The control that I somewhere think I have a right to.
But I don’t. Because it’s not all about me.

It’s not even remotely close to being all about me.
What I should say is:
Fuck the imagination, it’s not real.
I should say fuck the control cause it can’t be done.
I should.
I know.
I should.
And I will.
I will.

Jenny K Brennan – Dec 20 2013

05 – Control – What the fuck…

A network of complications

Control – What the fuck just happened and why should it bother me so?

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This is part two of this series of monologues about what it’s like to live in one’s own mind. I just talk, think,, talk more, and it makes little sense. But it helps me figure out what’s what. If I’m lucky.

Transcript

Control.

what is control

or rather, the lack of control, the feeling of powerlessness.
Not having control
Lack of control ccan be anything from not being paid what you think you deserve at work.
not getting the grade that you thought that superb essay was worth at school.
Not being able to deal with your children, or other people around you that just won’t behave the way you’d want them to.
It can be anything.
Control over.

Maybe you’re sick.
Maybe someone else is sick.
A lot of sick.
Maybe something is just going to hell.

You lose power, you lose control.
But thats… that’s the time to let go.

To let it be what it is.
You can not have control over other people.
Not in a deep way.
Not in a fundamental way.
You can influence other people and events.\
But you can’t have control.
Because…

It is what it is.
It will be what it will be.
And you can’t live that way.
Because things will happen, things will move on, people will change, whether you are there or not.

It is what it is.

But remember: When one door opens, another door invariably opens.
So, be in the moment.
Realize that you cannot change the world.
You can only change you.

And that’s ok.

Jenny K Brennan – Dec 18 2013