Tag Archives: mental health

13 – Update. JennyK talking shit again after two months of nothing.

A network of complications

March update

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JennyK talking shit for a few minutes. About Kompoz, where musicians collaborate, immigration status, good v.s bad mornings, and mental health maintenance.

Transcript

Sorry, no transcript today.

Finishing this episode is a trance track called “I will find you” Produced and released on Kompoz.com by Airy connections, 404, Ed Silva, and JennyK.

Jenny K Brennan March 12 2014

Studio Chaotic – Talking shit – since two thousand and whatever day I invaded your pod catcher.

11 – Inspiration – Such a beautiful bastard. It has teeth.

A network of complications

Inspiration is such a beautiful bastard.

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It hides. If I could find the formula for luring that sucker out of it’s dark little hole in the back of my mind, I’d be rich.

Transcript


Inspiration.

Inspiration is a tricky beast and I’ll talk about that in a moment. First, if you’re listening, which you are; I’m glad you’re listening. Thank you for listening. I know for sure I have at least two listeners. I know my podcast has gone downhill for a long time and I haven’t been inspired. This is changing with this little series whether you enjoy it or not. But like I said; I do know I have two listeners and Dezz and Gene; I’m glad to have you with me today.

Inspiration. At the end of this episode I have a sample of something I’m working on. I’m actually inspired.

I wrote a song this fall and I’ve had major problems with it. Because it simply did not want to tell me what it wanted to be. It might be a strange way of putting it but that’s what it feels like. When I write a song I cannot hear in my head a final product. I know alot of songwriters and producers, they have that vision, that audible vision, of something, of a song, what they want, the mood and all that but I don’t. And that’s probably why I’ll never be big and famous and rich.

Oh well.

But anyways. Hounddogs; I’ve had problems with it because it didn’t want to cooperate and this morning I gave it another try. I thought, what the hell. I can’t give up on this because I like it. So I muted the acoustic guitar and there it was.

So that’s what I’ve been working on today and I overdid it as usual. Coffee and more coffee. I had a headache at two o’clock and besides breakfast: nothing. But you know.

And here’s a sample from what I’ve been working on today. Very much a work in progress.

From JennyK and Studio Chaotic. I’ll see ya.

Jenny K Brennan Dec 30 2013

10 – Calm – stop chasing that tail and just sit a while.

A network of complications

Calm. Mental hide and seek.

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Finding the tools for something like inner peace and simple calm can be tricky. It may feel difficult. Sometimes, all but impossible. But once in a while…

Transcript

Calm.

Nothing makes you calm quite like an hour or so of real hard work, like actual physical labour.
“You can chip away the ice and snow infront of the front door.”, He says and I say, “Okay.”.

And that’s what I did. It was building up and building up so; Icepick and shovel and just at it. and now I feel great.

Calm. I guess the story of the moral, the moral of the story is I should do more of that stuff. I should do stuff, which I know. Naturally I should cause I do like it. I like being busy, I like moving my body, working it and so I did.

Calm is what I got out of it.

However, there’s only so much gratitude to go around as far as ice and snow goes. Truly.
The fields may not be good for walking today but we’ll give it a try. Last night the dog made a nosedive; he was running like normal – drumdidrumdidrum – across the crust and all of a sudden: Stop! Both front legs down under the crust into the soft snow under and he’s like: “What the hell?” It was funny.

But anyways, today, eh, we’ll see. I’m hoping for another long walk today.

Speaking of calm.

I am finding it easier and easier to reach that calm state now and then and I can create it myself now. I have the tools to do it. I’m training my mind to behave; to look at things differently. One of those tools is
Hypnosisdownloads.com where Mark Tyrrell and roger Elliott… have… great stuff. Self hypnosis. It works. It’s very calming.

Yoga. Is great; speaking of that physical. Walking is excellent. Exercise diminishes anxiety. And that’s the circle that’s so hard to break sometimes.

You’re anxious and you don’t want to do anything and you sit on the couch or go to sleep or do nothing. But all that needs to be done is to get moving, doing something. Moving, walking, exercising. Just do it. And that’s a fucking hard thing to do; to just do it.

But I’m saying: It works. And I’m getting there. I’m breaking that circle. I still have my anxieties and the thing is that problems like that, they never go away. You don’t get rid of it. You learn to deal with it. You learn to live with it. And once in a while. It feels really good. You just have to remember that… that once in a while it feels really good and you have to remember that feeling for the times that you don’t. And remember that you can always get back there.

Calm.

Jenny K Brennan Dec 28 2013

09 – Small things – Big difference

Small things

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I am grateful. Once in a while.

Transcript

Small things.

I don’t have a gratitude list that I keep adding to or reminding myself about but it’s still there nonetheless, at times. Right now, strange as it seems even to me, I’m grateful for that freezing rain. Because the fields around here they are, right now, smooth as pavement; hard and easy to walk.

For three days now we have been taking long, long walks around the fields without the cane for me, without holding on to anything and for me that’s a bit of freedom. Just a tiny touch of freedom because I haven’t done that in years.

Always need an arm. Always need that cane, Always need something to hold on to or be guided by. So, I’m just hoping it stays like thisand we can keep walking.

The dog loves it and so do I.

So that’s what I’m grateful for today: snow and ice.

Small things.

Jenny K Brennan Dec 26 2013

07 – Doubts – Any fucked up reason will do. It’s vicious.

A network of complications

Doubts. So what the hell is this shit for anyways?

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Damn if i really know.

Transcript

Doubts

They creep and they circle and they patrol.
they well up like a sour knot or a hundred insects biting, up through the stomach through the bodytenses everything up.
It circles.
Sometimes it’s so slow. And so sinister that you don’t even know.
And not knowing. How do you know what it’s about. You don’t.

I don’t.
You have to dive deep to find any rational reasons for that feeling.
That uneasiness, that anxiety but for the most part it’s not worth it.
It has to be stopped. You have to stop obsessing. Stop the thoughts in their tracks and just stop.
There are ways to do that. To relax. People have tricks. To get out of it. And I have mine.

But they’re always lurking. Always there.

But what is this for then?

Every time I talk for a few minutes I end up with a feeling of release. A liberating freedom of mind.
I feel relaxed, I feel better. Because what I say; It clears something up.
And that is why I do this.
This mini series of monologues about… what
Well, me I guess. I talk to myself, with myself, about how I feel.
Because I can’t talk to many other people about it.
So. It does help. Believe it or not; it does help.?
And that’s why I’m doing this.
And maybe, maybe someone will hear it and recognize themselves and feel better.

Jenny K Brennan Dec 22 2013

06 – Friends – Dealing with people. Why is it so hard?

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A network of complications

Friends

– These words falter and fade into confusion as anxiety nags at and shreds all that I think I know. Third part, more talking, more thoughts recorded. .

Transcript

Friends, family, aquaintances. Just people.
How do you deal with it, them, with all of that.

When everything in your mind surrounds what I’ve talked about before; Imagination and control.
The more I think about it, the more I feel the problem.

Not always, but often enough.
To make me distant and hard to reach.
Unable to reach – myself.
It’s control. Over the imagination. Of what’s going on around me.
What do they think? What did they say? What should I say, what should I do?
What can I do, where can i go to understand what’s wrong.
It’s not them. But what’s what?
Anxiety. Is hard to deal with.
Anxiety is imagination gone wild. Gone astray. Gone sour.
I am working on it and it is working.
I can deal with little things.
But I can’t deal with these things.
These big things that

That hurt other people.

But I have no power over them.
I don’t know what they see when they see me and that I can’t deal with.
Because I have to open my eyes myself to see. I have to let go of the control.

The control that I somewhere think I have a right to.
But I don’t. Because it’s not all about me.

It’s not even remotely close to being all about me.
What I should say is:
Fuck the imagination, it’s not real.
I should say fuck the control cause it can’t be done.
I should.
I know.
I should.
And I will.
I will.

Jenny K Brennan – Dec 20 2013